I’ve found myself thinking “I’m okay, it’s okay” as if I was trying to convince myself, but who am I lying to ?

I really can’t believe you talked to me only for a movie.

Maybe I should talk back, engage conversation, but I just don’t want to make any effort anymore.

My heart hurts and makes my eyes cry.

I wonder if you noticed how unhappy I am

I wonder if you noticed that, when you do talk to me, I’m not enthusiastic at all

I wonder if you wonder what’s happening with me or if you just don’t care

I wonder if you’ll ever ask me what’s wrong

If I would have the courage to tell you how I feel, or maybe just show you this blog

If you don’t, I wonder if I’ll do it anyway

Or if I wouldn’t just see you and start screaming at you, saying you all these things I can’t tell you

I wonder if I’d cry, if you would take me in your arms, tell me it’s not true, that I’m just imagining things

I wonder why even that seems better than one I’m living right now

I wonder if you wouldn’t just disappoint me any more.

I can’t believe you’re only talking to me to ask me about a fucking romantic movie that you probably wanted to watch with the person I hate the most at the moment.

I want to shout ‘FUCK YOU’ at you ;

          why do you matter so much to me ?

I just need to empty myself. Just need to scream a bit. Just need to be heard somewhere, without feedback.

I always thought I mattered to him. In five years of friendship, I never thought he would do that, leave me out of his life for something else. You could had told me years, even months ago, and I would not have believe you because he always told me how I matter, how without me he was nothing, how he didn’t know how he would do without me.

I don’t miss these words in the way you could think. I don’t miss them because they were flattering (and they weren’t, because they were, and they still are, true as well for me). I miss them because at this point he was still talking to me everyday, he was still asking me how I was, he was still saying goog night, he was still telling me those stupid jokes, he was still complaining about his mother. He was still there.

I just miss him. I miss his words, his jokes, his smile, his voice, his laugh, his hug. I miss his presence and his shadow. I miss his Céline Dion and Beyonce. I miss everything but I’m so angry at the same time.

Because he once told me he wouldn’t be that kind of person. He told me he would not leave his friends out because of a lover. He asked him to tell him if he was doing that one day. He asked me to clap him if he was doing that.

But how could I, when I know this lover makes him so happy ? How could I destroy something only because I miss him ? How could I be that of an egoist ? It’s just not me, It’s not just who I am.

I don’t want to be that kind of person that ask someone to choose between two humans being. Because I’m pretty sure that it would be what would happen, otherwise the lover would be taking me the most important person in my life. And I can’t ask him to choose. I can’t do that, because I want him to be happy. And because I don’t want to lose him even more than now.

Sometimes you just got to find an empty place and scream as loud as you can without any consequence because nobody can here you anyway.

(also known as : I just need some
place to complain about my best friend.)